Claire's Review of Twilight, Part 1

Yes, this may call my sanity into question, but I've decided to review Twilight chapter by chapter. My initial impression: at nine pages in, Bella already comes off as an insufferable teenage angst machine. Pray for my soul, friends; I may not make it to the end with my sanity intact.

Chapter 1: I've finished the first chapter

...and I have never been more confused.

What the hell is so bad about Forks that Bella hates it and didn't want to come here? Why did she decide to come here anyway - it was her choice, yeah? She wanted to do this? Why does she dislike and fear everyone around her school, even the people who are apparently trying to be friendly?

By all the gods, why is she so relentlessly pessimistic about everything?! None of this is explained! Why has Edward decided he hates her on sight, and why is she so bothered by this? Has she never met any assholes before, so the whole thought of someone instantly disliking her for no reason just destroys her?

I mean, this might make some kind of sense if, y'know, there were ANY CONTEXT AT ALL to her character. Maybe if she had low self-esteem or something, but considering this book is written in the first person view, I have never had less of an idea about who the protagonist is. This whole thing already reads like someone took their teenage diaries and tried to turn them into their half-assed idea of a story.

The whole 'everything is horrible' schtick is seriously bugging me. I just don't get why she's so completely down all the time. Okay, she's in a place where she doesn't want to be, but right now, the only person being nasty to her is Edward - and his nastiness is limited to giving her the sodding evil eye from across the room. He hasn't even talked to her! In contrast, her dad bought her a truck to drive around in, and the people she actually spoke to on the first day in school were nice and welcoming to her.

My opinion of Bella being an insufferable teenage angst machine continues unabated. I'm getting some major 'oh woe is me' vibes from her.

Chapter 2: WHAT.

No really, what.

So she actually talks to Mr. Perfect, with the perfect hair and beautiful smile and dear god, take a shot every time she busts out the flattery of this guy she was apparently scared shitless of in the last chapter and you'll be locked sideways in a matter of minutes.

MINUTES, I tell you.

I can't even parse this. She's clearly nervous and scared - TO THE POINT OF NAUSEA, PEOPLE - of this guy who's been giving her the evil eye for no goddamn reason. Then he comes over and starts making nice, and she isn't even suspicious?! And good grief, the way he talks - "Everyone knows your name, everyone's been waiting for you to arrive?" How does she not think this is creepy beyond all sense and reason, considering her prior experience of him?

Oh, and we find out that she came to Forks to stay with her dad so her mom could go travel with her new husband. And this means that she's SUFFERING. Like, in this nice town where everyone is apparently trying to make her feel at home, despite the crappy weather, and where she has her own car.

I can't. I just cannot. My ability to can is gone and will not return. Advanced placement my goddamn ass - Bella reads like she's dumb as a box of rocks that's been raised in seclusion on Mars for the last sixteen years.