Claire’s Review of Twilight, Part 2
Chapter 3: Still not convinced Bella isn't a space alien.
I'm three pages into the third chapter. This is so unbearably hard to read. She's talked to Edward once - ONCE, and it was a normal conversation between teenagers, as far as I can see - and she's calling it 'brainless babbling'. I fear that accepting her description as is leaves no suitable phrase for describing everything else in this book. This one conversation is giving her a damn panic attack and she is STILL going on about how perfect he is.
Get your vodka shots ready, folks. You'll need them.
Her dad put snow chains on her truck, and she doesn't notice until she's at school. HOW?! How do you miss CHAINS on the wheels of your vehicle? Okay, okay, oblivious when it comes to anything but Mr. Perfect. Fine. Just beat us over the head with that.
So this van skids across the parking lot and nearly ends the series prematurely by taking out Bella, only to be saved by Edward. This I can get behind. It still reads like terrible fan fiction, but at least it makes sense. Then she's back to being captivated by his eyes or some crap.
OH DEAR GOD WHAT IS THIS THING -
WHY are you embarrassed, you lunatic?! You were almost bloody well killed, you hit your head, and you're EMBARRASSED that you have to wear a neck brace?! And her dad is worried, and her mom is in hysterics that she was ALMOST KILLED, and she's completely dismissive of them in favor of Mr. Perfect - who, by the way, is swinging between being indifferent, being outright antagonistic, and suggesting she's nuts. And she takes the fact that he won't tell her what's going on SO BADLY that she's about to cry. Again.
Sometimes I wonder whether this could have been a good book or not. As it is, I am baffled as to why it's popular. Bella's a dumb, inconsiderate twit, and Edward is an indecisive asshole.
Chapter 4: Why does she keep whining?!
She DREAMING about him. Again, I want to remind the audience that she's talked to him all of three times, or something, and he's mostly been a dick to her even though he saved her life. If there isn't some weird vampire mind control magic going on, I am going to be VERY annoyed at this.
And dear god, would she ever STOP WHINING about how embarrassing it is that people care about her?! She nearly got killed, and her friends at school are worried about her and want to know that she's okay! Of course you're the center of attention, you dumb bint, that's what happens when everyone seems to like you in spite of your angst and you ALMOST DIE!
'Inconsiderate' just isn't a strong enough word for this.
WHY do you watch him, Bella? Why in all the hells are you suddenly obsessed with him and his 'perfect face'? (Take a drink!) He's consistently creepy when he's not being a jerk to you, and good grief, you have three other normal guys asking you out! What is so special about Mr Asshole who seems to decide, at random, whether he'll talk to you or make you miserable?!
There's only so many explanations for this: (a) she's just plain stupid, (b) she's being mind-controlled, (c) she's not actually human, and this whole 'social interaction' stuff is beyond her, or (d) she's an abuse survivor and can't parse people being nice to her.
I actually think (d) would make for a pretty interesting take on the story. It'd at least make it dark and edgy as opposed to just nonsensical.